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Sex positions

Which sex positions allow you to adjust pace and depth?

Who sets pace and depth in each arrangement, and what to do if it hurts.

6 min read

Short answer

Pace and depth are set by the person who can genuinely move closer, move away, or slow down. That is usually the person receiving penetration, or the person with a hand on the hips and thighs to stop. Deeper is not better. There is no correct depth.

When the receiver sets the pace

Cowgirl

The receiver straddles. Moving up and down changes depth. A forward‑back rock, with less lift, sets a fine pace without pushing to the bottom.

The person underneath does not thrust upwards unless asked. If it hurts when going all the way down, shorten the range. The person on top can lift themselves and stop.

Reverse cowgirl

Same idea, facing the knees of the person underneath. The person on top can still see how much is going in. The rocking can be shorter; the bottom is reached sooner if they sit all the way down, so control means not sitting fully.

Hands on the thighs of the person underneath can act as a stop. If balance is lost, lean forward or get off. This is not a position for someone else to push.

At the edge of the bed

The receiver sits on the edge, feet on the floor. The penetrating person is in front, standing or kneeling. The receiver can stand up and stop: their feet are already on the floor.

Depth is regulated by bringing the pelvis closer to or farther from the edge. A long movement pushes to the bottom; a short one does not. If it hurts, close the space or stop.

When the brake is in thighs or hands

Spooning

On your sides, with the person with the penis or toy behind. The receiver slows things by closing their thighs or placing a hand on the hip of the person behind. Without that stop, the person pushing sets the pace.

A shorter movement changes pace without gaining depth. If the person behind continues despite the hand or the thighs, that is not a question of position: stop.

Missionary, pillow, and hands on the hips

The receiver, on their back, with a firm pillow under the pelvis if they want to change the angle. The receiver’s hands go to the hips or buttocks of the person on top: they bring closer, move away, or stop.

The pillow does not give more control by itself; hands do. The person on top supports themselves on their forearms. If the hands do not reach or are not respected, this arrangement does not serve for adjustment.

When the receiver has less control

Doggy style, chest lower

The receiver rests on their forearms, with the chest closer to the mattress and the hips not very high. That shortens the range. The penetrating person is behind. One hand from the receiver, reaching back to the thigh, acts as a stop.

If the receiver is upright on their knees, they lose leverage: it is harder to see how much is going in and to brake. That high variant does not belong here. Pain at the bottom: stop. Deep is not the goal.

Lubricant, barriers, and when to stop

More rocking or more depth can dry you out. Use a lubricant compatible with a condom if you use one. A position does not remove the possibility of pregnancy or the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Use a new condom for each act of vaginal, anal, or oral sex.

There is no correct depth. Pain at the bottom (cervix or another cause) is not solved by pushing more. Stop. If it keeps happening, seek advice.

Sources and further reading