How do we talk about different sex drives without blaming each other?

Short answer

Different levels of sexual desire do not mean either of you is broken, selfish, or less loving. A useful conversation focuses on feelings, circumstances, and shared choices rather than deciding who has the “right” amount of sex. Neither partner owes sex to fix the difference.

Start with curiosity, not a complaint

Choose a neutral time and talk about the impact, not a demand. For example: “I miss feeling physically close to you. I do not want to pressure you. Can we talk about how each of us has been feeling?” This leaves room for a real answer.

Avoid labels like “the high-drive one” and “the low-drive one.” Desire can change with stress, sleep, relationship strain, medication, illness, pregnancy, parenting, ageing, and many other factors. It can also be normal to feel desire only after affectionate or sexual contact has begun.

Look for connection both people want

Ask what intimacy means to each of you right now. One person may want cuddling, kissing, shared time, or a conversation without sex. Another may value sexual touch. You can agree on forms of connection that feel welcome to both of you, while keeping a clear right to decline any activity.

Planning time together can help some couples protect connection, but it should be an invitation, not an appointment that must end in sex. Check in and change the plan if either person is not in the mood.

Know when a health conversation may help

If a change in desire is persistent, distressing, or comes with pain, mood changes, trouble with arousal, or a new health concern, encourage the affected person to speak with a clinician. A clinician can consider physical, emotional, and medication-related factors. Couples or psychosexual counselling can also be useful when both people want support.

Sources and further reading

• NHS: Low sex drive (loss of libido) (accessed August 2026)
• ACOG: Your sexual health (accessed August 2026)