askingfor a friend

Sexual health, no whispers.

Communication & intimacy

How can I ask for more kissing or touch without making my partner feel inadequate?

Ask for more of what you enjoy with positive, specific language that invites your partner into a shared conversation.

3 min read

Short answer

Ask for more kissing or touch by naming what you enjoy, rather than listing what a partner gets wrong. Specific, positive feedback gives them something they can act on and keeps the conversation mutual.

Lead with what you want

Try: “I love it when we kiss for longer,” “I would like more touch before we do anything else,” or “I feel close to you when we hold each other.” These statements share your experience without assigning a failing.

Choose a calm moment if the topic feels sensitive. You can explain that this is about expanding pleasure and connection, not criticising how sex has been.

Make it a two-way question

After sharing, ask, “What kind of touch helps you feel close?” or “Is there anything you would like more of?” Your partner’s answer may be different from yours. Mutual feedback helps neither person feel they are being graded.

Keep boundaries clear

More kissing or touch is not a promise of sex, and a partner can decline it just as they can decline a sexual activity. Check in as you go. If either person seems tense or pulls away, pause and ask rather than assuming.

If asking for basic comfort or a stop feels unsafe because a partner becomes angry or punishing, seek support. Everyone deserves affection and sex that are freely chosen.

Sources and further reading